god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
