Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
