I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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