you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
