you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
