I look better un-naked...
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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