I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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