yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
