She is in my trunk
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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