gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
