I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
