nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
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I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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