I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
