I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
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I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
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Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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