I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
