My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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