Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
