he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
