She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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