I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
