Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
