Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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