Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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