a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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