I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you inspire me to be a worse person
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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