Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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