so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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