no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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