you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
