it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
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I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
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what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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