i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
