Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
