Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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