i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize