cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
