Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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