just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
