8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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