I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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