I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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