It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
