Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
