Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
