yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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