Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
