I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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