Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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