It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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