he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize