All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
