Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
