Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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