before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
