Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
