You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
